If you feel lonely, you are not alone.
More than forty-four million American adults say they experience “significant loneliness” sometimes daily, according to a Gallup Panel survey taken last year.
Other statistics indicate that most people tend to feel ashamed when they feel lonely, as though they’re unlovable or unable to have good relationships.
But that’s not it. There is no shame in loneliness. It’s part of the human condition. The difficult feelings can cue us to make small changes that will help improve our health and ease the discomfort.
When it Hits the Hardest
Loneliness stalks us throughout our lives when we feel physically isolated from others or feel as though we don’t matter. It also comes on hard when we don’t feel like our friends are supporting us in the ways we want or expect or in the ways we think we would support them.
It has little to do with how many people you know, it’s more about the quality of the connections that you do have. It’s possible to be married, surrounded by friends at work, and popular at a party, and still be lonely if you feel that the quality of your relationships is poor.
And those feelings can make us sick. Persistent feelings of loneliness contribute to declines in cardiovascular and cognitive health and lower our immunity. Strong social connections boost our happiness, well-being, and mental and physical health.
Are You Likable?
Yes! Yes. Yes, you are. Whether you believe it or not is a whole other deal. Research indicates that people regularly underestimate how likable they are.
This “Liking Gap” as it’s sometimes called can lead to loneliness by causing people to avoid social interactions. If you believe you won’t be received, or even worse, that you’ll be rejected, then you aren’t likely to show up and participate.
While external factors like income—people living in low-income households are loneliest, according to Gallup—environment, our health, where we work, and other variables influence how socially connected and supported we are.
But how lonely we are also comes down to us. We can ease those lonely feelings when we show up and engage in activities with others.
Breaching the Loneliness
The first step is to acknowledge loneliness is part of life. You're bound to feel it.
When you do—pause—recognize the feelings. Then, reach out. Invite a friend to coffee. Or call another, and let them know you are feeling low. Talk it over. Or extend yourself and help another. Even a short message or a thinking-of-you call can ease your lonely feelings and are much more appreciated by others than you would ever expect, according to Peggy Liu, PhD., a researcher and an associate professor at the University of Pittsburgh.
Those short interactions matter to others and remind us that we do too.
Drop the Expectations
Expecting others to behave a certain way—or the way we would—is unfair to them and causes more pain for us. Instead, recognize their unique gifts and the things you appreciate about your friendship. If you can’t come up with anything, well, maybe it’s time to find some new friends.
Friendship Takes Effort and Patience
Deeper connections develop over time, but even casual interactions can help us feel more engaged in the world.
Studies show that older people who volunteer experience fewer feelings of loneliness. We all benefit from doing good deeds and participating in fun hobbies or activities we want to learn more about.
Following your curiosity by joining a gym, taking an art class, forming a book club, or participating in another activity can be a way to meet others and common interests can spark a friendship.
Authentic connection takes time to develop, so be patient but just by showing up, you are taking care of yourself and building a foundation that can help ease loneliness.
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Creating a Life
Look for the "miraculous in the moment,” says executive life and creative coach and life strategist Cynthia Gregory. In Ep.257 she talks about learning to pause, and why we need to schedule play into our days.
Play, she says, is the way to create the experiences we want to have in our lives. Kids do it naturally, but adults often must schedule it. Build in time to do the things you love, try new things, or follow your curiosity and learn about something different. Play is about doing the things that make us happy and satisfied. Those feelings carry over and help us be more productive and efficient in everything else we do.
"Creating a life that we truly desire to live is the most important creative endeavor we can undertake," Gregory says. You can contact Cynthia Gregory through her website or on LinkedIn under Gregory Cynthia.