Savoring the Good in Each Other
Remembering and reflecting on the good moments we share can bring us closer.
I went to a wedding last weekend.
It was a beautiful event. Great venue, good weather, tasty food, but that wasn’t what I spent time thinking about.
The couple was joyful, family and friends showed up to celebrate with them, their vows meaningful and thoughtful, and this touched me. It took me back. To my wedding 25 years ago.
From the early days of my relationship with the man who would become my husband. To the friends who were alongside then and now.
Those memories brought me back to the present. Made me feel good all over again, about where we started, and where we are now and created a cascade of other good feelings surprised me and left me feeling good, and more connected to my husband and friends.
Well, Duh, This Makes Sense
Now, after reading an interesting piece by Jessica Borelli, PhD on Psychology Today, I have a name for what I experienced, and it’s one that had me smacking my forehead and saying “duh” because it’s not a new practice, it’s just one I want to use deliberately.
It’s called relational savoring, and it means to stop and focus on the good times we’ve had with the people we love. I’m a fan of savoring and have followed the work of Rick Hanson (Hardwiring Happiness) and researcher, psychologist Fred Bryant who explain that when we recognize the good moments of our lives and absorb them, soak them in, and let them wash over us, we begin to override our brain’s negativity bias. Over time, this allows us to experience more of the good feelings in life.
Savoring isn’t a replacement for negative feelings, it’s not about overlooking them. But think about it—–don’t you usually notice the negative anyhow? We are so wired to see the threat or problem that it’s almost a default status to notice what isn’t working. A savoring practice, however, can help us notice, take in, and experience what is working. And that builds resilience and helps us better manage adversity.
Reflect on the Goodness
It stands to reason that when we take deliberate time to savor our relationships—to reflect on what we have, the good feelings, the great memories, and the things we are excited about in the future—we will feel good, and more connected to each other and in our relationships.
My husband couldn’t join me at the wedding, but I sure thought about him. Felt him there with me. I became so full of gratitude for him and the life we have together and I was filled with good feelings. When I got home I shared those feelings with him too, and savored the moment again.
There are many ways to savor the moments of your life, but they all involve recognition of the good moments, a moment (or more) to pause and reflect, to feel the emotions that rise up and absorb them. In relational savoring, Borelli suggests thinking or talking about how those good moments were meaningful, dreaming about things you’d like to do together in the future, and even talking this over with your loved ones to build on that connection.
At the wedding, I spent the evening with my other besties. We laughed and reminisced as we watched our friend celebrate the marriage of the girl we had watched grow from childhood. We talked about resilience last night, and challenges. Shared some pain too. But in the end, we mostly laughed and remembered.
At the end of the night, I sat back in the chair, looked up at the stars, and then across at my friends, and felt all of that love wash over me. And I felt good and so dang grateful.
Be well, friends. I appreciate you.
–p
